I was born in 1986 into a Christian home.  My brother was born 3 years before me, making us a family of four.  Each Sunday morning we attended the church my parent's had met and married in, and my dad played the fiddle on the worship team.   Having an older brother meant that he asked the God questions before me.  He wanted to know where we go when we die, how we know we're going to heaven, and how to be sure God's forgiven us.  Through my parents answers to his questions, I myself learned that we must accept what Jesus did on the cross, and ask forgiveness for our sins.  So, I asked Jesus into my heart at the ripe old age of 4, thus beginning my Christian journey.

I'd like to say that my walk with God has been solid, but somethings along my journey have rocked my faith, causing me to slide into some dark places.  I'd like to begin with my story about my spine.  I was born with a genetic disease called Scoliosis.  This means that from a young age my spine began to twist and curve into an "S" shape, worsening as the years went by.  I spend 7 years of my childhood wearing back braces that were made to pull the curved areas of my spine straight.  The disappointing part was that with every checkup there was never positive news.  My spine had either shown zero signs of improvement, or a worsening degree in its curvature.  When I realized that doctors couldn't fix my spine, I turned to God.  I'd heard stories of God's healing power, of cripples walking, and blind men seeing.  I prayed with such great faith! But, my scoliosis only worsened.

In addition, from the time I was 7 my parents began arguing almost constantly.  At the age of 16 my mom walked out on my dad for another man.  Again, God had not answered another of my most urgent prayers,  first for my spines healing, second for my parents to stop fighting and to fall in love again. At the time I felt that he could have healed my spine, and stopped this divorce,  but he didn't.  I began to question God at this particular time in my life.  I kept seeing God working in other ppl's lives, but he seemed nonexistent in my own.  I had been a good kid, a good sister, a good friend.  I had gone to church every Sunday, I was the secretary for my youth group, attended small groups, been baptized, and had prayed all my life.  Why was God being such a stranger with My problems?

I ran away from home the summer of my Parents divorce, to live with a friend from out of town.  I had to get away, but soon found out that running away was a terrible decision.  Together me and my friend moved into a house where life felt more like a party 24/7, alcohol ran like water, and I found myself involved with the wrong guys.   I wondered what the heck I was doing in this place.  "I could have died", I remember thinking.  But by the time Dad bought me a bus ticket to return home I was addicted to a new lifestyle.  A wild, carefree, lifestyle.  I found myself in a place where I chose wrong rather than right, I turned my back on God.  If he was going to be a stranger to me, I was going to be a stranger to him. This road lead me through some very dark and hopeless places.  Places were pain was all I knew, and the ways I found to cope only brought on more pain.  Parties, men, drunkenness, and living extreme was all that I wanted and quickly became all that I knew.  The more "out there"  I was the more attention I received, the more attention I received the better I felt.

Really, looking back, I know I was just calling out for help.  I wanted to get God's attention, and the attention of my now preoccupied parents.  At 17 my best friend and I were sexually assaulted and this was one of my lowest moments in my life.  Something inside of me snapped, I had to keep going, keep running.  I couldn't stop or look back because at this point, after all I'd done, after all I'd been through, I was no longer the same person and I didn't know what to do with the person I was becoming or with the pain I was feeling.  At 19 I had now become addicted to alcohol, and I was craving the attention of men more and more severely.  The tables were beginning to turn. I had begun partying to have fun, but now the pain made me party harder and more frequently.  I was caught in a vicious cycle and felt I had no excape.  I began to feel hopeless. I needed a change, I needed to get out,  and that's when I began considering suicide.  I felt that suicide would be my only way to shut off the hurt.  That's when I began remembering my life before the partying, and I remembered that the best years of my life were the ones spent with God.  I thought, "Hmm does God have a better way then suicide?"  Could God offer just a little light, and a little hope in my life? Would I survive this life?

My transfirmation began slowly. I would drive in our family van with tears strolling down my face until I could no longer see the road, then I'd stop and scream at God.  I had some major questions that needed to be answered, like why had he left me alone? Why had all these bad things happened to me?  Where was he, did he love me?  I'd scream and hit the steering wheel with my angry fists until I couldn't anymore then I'd drive home.  I started downloading all of the saddest Christian music I could find (there isn't much out there) and I listened to songs like "Praise You In This Storm", by Casting Crowns.  During one screaming prayer session with God I gave something up to him.  I didn't have much faith, but I told him, "I can't do this anymore, I am choosing all of the wrong men, making all the wrong decisions, I need your help finding the next one".  A few weeks later I met swcr6h, my husband on a trip to Banff while visiting my Mom.

That trip to Banff was a pivotal part in my faith journey back to God.  I remember driving up to Payto Lake, and I stood on a mountain looking down on it's aqua blue/green beauty.  The mountains surrounding me were breathtaking and they seemed to stretch into the sky.  On that day trip and the week I spent in Banff,  God began softening my heart.  I thought to myself, if God can do this with nature, how much more could he do with me, his child.  The Rocky Mountains felt like God's nature hug, as thought my surroundings were God speaking to me that he had so much more in store for me then he had even for this beautiful place.

I moved to Banff a month after this trip, and swcr6h and I started dating.  I was scare and guarded, but very quickly saw that God had given swcr6h to me as an answer to my prayer months before.  I didn't want to believe that God had answered my prayer though, because that would mean that the past 4 years of hurting were all for nothing, that God had in fact been there all along listening, caring, and loving me, and that he had in fact never been nonexistant.

Dating swcr6h sometimes felt like dating God, I remember thinking.  At times when I was too scared to believe, swcr6h would have faith enough for the both of us.  When I was struggling with prayer he would hold me in his arms and pray for me.  When I yearned to find safety in the arms of a man, He wrote me a song called "Fall into my Arms".  When I told him my disastrous story, he told me that he was falling in love with me.  The love that swcr6h showed me, despite my disappointing journey, told me that if an imperfect human can forgive and love me so completely, then how much greater must God's forgiveness and love be.  I quickly began feeling God's love in a new way, and feeling his forgiveness for my sins, like the prodical son I'd come back home and God welcomed me with opened arms.

These past 4 years have been some of my hardest God years.  I have found God in that time, recommitted my life to him, and learned to depend less on swcr6h and more on God.  Whereas before my journey consisted of total dependance on swcr6h, almost as though he were my lifeline to God, I can now stand alone.  Now, I can hold swcr6h and pray for him when he is weak and remind him to have faith in the hard times we're faced with.  I now trust God with my whole heart, and even though I still struggle with forgiving my own self for the years I spent away from him, I know that God has forgiven me.  This is my fresh start, and I feel God with me, guiding me, loving me more than I ever have.  Now, I know that God loves me through my imperfections, and mistakes, and does not hold my sins against me.  He truly is a loving father ready to take me back when I mess up.  I now know that God can be trusted with my life.

Looking back I am reminded that at the age of 17 I finally had a doctor perform a high risk surgery for my scoliosis.  The chances of my becoming paralyzed was very high, at the least I could have lost the feeling in my fingers and toes.  Not only was the surgery a success, but to date I have never had back pain, I have all of my feeling, and I was working 4 months later.  At the time I wanted to give the surgeon credit, thinking he had shown up for me where God hadn't.  But it was too miraculous a surgery to not give God the glory.   I have learned that when you are looking for God's answers to prayer sometimes you need to look harder, sometimes the answer is no when you want a yes, and sometimes free will kicks in and we don't do what God wants for us.  Now when I think a prayer is unanswered, I look deeper.

The Lord is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He also will hear their cry and save them. (Ps 145.18-19)